Saturday, March 7, 2015

Baby Dear

Psalm 37: 23 - 24
The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
and He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
. . . . . . .
This verse has such special meaning to me. 
Today marks seven years. 
March 7, 2008 we lost a little blessing to miscarriage.

Recently, Hannah asked me about it.  I told her the story and as my eyes filled with tears as I recalled and recounted, hers did too.  I thought I would share here because maybe there is a reader who will be comforted by it.
. . . . . . .
At 10 weeks, which was my first visit to the midwife,  we heard the heartbeat loud and strong.  There it was.  Our baby.
There is something magical about that moment, the moment you hear the heartbeat for the first time and it makes it so real.  
With each pregnancy, that special moment always brought tears to my eyes every time. 
The gift of life was inside. 
Four weeks later I went in for the usual visit, but when it came time to listen for the heartbeat, the midwife couldn't find it.  She tried to belay my fears by
saying sometimes, in early pregnancy depending on where the placenta is implanted, it can be hard to find.  I was to come back to see her early the following week.
The next few days were filled with prayer ~ asking God to do a miracle, asking God to help me be OK with whatever His will was.
Returning for the next visit there was not the usual cheerfulness typical of a prenatal visit. This one was more somber.  I laid on the bed, silently pleading with God that the heartbeat would be found and would be strong. 
But again, no heartbeat was found.
She sent me for an ultrasound which confirmed our worst fear.
The baby had died. 
We waited a few days to see if lowering hormone levels would begin the miscarriage process naturally, but nothing seemed to be happening.  At the advice of my midwife, she suggested I consult a doctor.  She was concerned for my health.  I had several things to consider that presented a rather serious situation. 
1.  I am a VBAC - always a consideration.
2.  There would be a lot of blood loss if the miscarriage happened spontaneously.
3.  If it did happen during the day, I had no one to drive me to the hospital.
4.  The nearest hospital is 30 minutes away.
5.  I already experienced a near-death delivery with my first baby.
We decided it was in my best interest to see an OB and be under her care.
That visit was so hard.  Making plans for a D & C.
Because I was now 16 weeks the process was more complicated. 
I hated the thought of it all.  I was sad.  I was scared.
March 7th, 2008 early in the morning I read Psalms 7, 37, 67, 97, 127.
At the hospital, they took me back to get changed into a gown.  I sat on the side of the bed with Eric for a moment.  We spoke with the anesthesiologist briefly then he left.   Eric kissed me and said he'd be right by my side when I came out.  The nurse escorted him out. 
There I was - a l o n e. 
 I felt so very sad.  Sad at our loss, sad that my body wasn't taking care of it naturally and that I had to have this procedure that was just like an abortion.
But the Lord was so kind to me that morning - all alone.  He brought to mind Psalm 37.

When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.

. . .
The next few days I rested, cried, journaled, prayed.
Again God was so kind to comfort me with His Word.
Psalm 139:16
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
the days that were ordained for me,
when as yet there was not one of them.
The ultrasound had determined that the baby had been 93 days old when it died.
According to God's Word this baby didn't live any less days than what was ordained by Him.
I chose to rest in the comfort that this baby would not live to see the stain of sin, but rather rested in the arms of Jesus in heaven, and in God's perfect timing.  
At the time of all of my grieving the David Crowder Band released a song called
Never Let Go 
This spoke such volumes to my heart as I would think upon Psalm 37 and remember that it is the Lord who holds my hand.
When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go
. . . . .
God, the Mighty One, the Creator of the world
is a tender God, a personal God who cares deeply and knows me so intimately. 
He knew my every tear and every fear.  He met my every need. 
He walked me through the valley of the shadow of death...holding my hand. 
While I am sad we lost a little one, it is also a sweet time of remembrance of the tender mercies of the Lord.

I am so thankful he tenderly cares
for me ... and Baby Dear.

. . .
{Linking with Pilgrims and Strangers }


  1. Such a heartbreaking moment, written in faithful beauty. Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it will encourage many others who are going through hard times.

  2. I know that I was encouraged when people told me they had experienced loss too.
    Thank you, JES, for your sweet note. :-)


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